Interviewed by Patti SchwabThe title of your presentation ” Why Does No One Like Me? Learn How to Read the Room to Create a More Positive Social Approach” can you tell us how you came to offer a session on social skills for adults at the Atlanta conference?I’ve been working with children with ADHD and their families for years. My book “ Why Will No One Play with Me?” helps parents learn how to help with social skills of their children. In hearing from adults with ADHD I’m often asked, “Why doesn’t anyone like me? I’m nice to people so why don’t they like me back?” It struck me how similar these questions were to my book title. The fact is sometimes ADHD’rs take everything too personally.
They struggle with the idea they are not socially successful and don’t understand why. My concern is that adult ADHD’rs aren’t overblowing people’s perception of them or creating a negative story for themselves. This presentation is to help identify ways to raise awareness of behavior in social situations that are problematic and improve them. By learning how to develop situational awareness and reading the room they can successfully navigate these hurdles, build confidence and have a more satisfying social life.What does “read the room ” and “situational awareness” mean?Reading the room is having situational awareness or interpreting what is going on in any given space. Basically in any space we enter there are unspoken rules as well as social expectations or norms that govern what we do.
Previous log entries have discussed Adult Attention Deficit Disorder and its treatment. Read everything you can about ADHD and developing social skills. Children with Predominantly Inattentive ADHD (ADHD-PI, also known as ADD), have difficulty with social skills. These children tend to lack assertiveness and frequently have difficulties in social situations that require interactions with more than one person or with people that they do not know.
So reading the room is being aware of that space and situation and what that calls for and then learning to adapt our behavior. Part of this practice is to pause to take in your surroundings as well as your own feelings and sensory perceptions. Pausing is a basic of self-regulating which is very hard for us, but by doing so we are able to determine appropriate behavior at that moment.Do you have an example of “reading the room”?Sure, just recently I was at church and observed the woman in charge of the nursery running around doing a million things in preparation for the children’s activities during services. People were stopping and interrupting her to give her all sorts of different information.
They weren’t reading the room. They weren’t looking at her tone, pace or energy. She was obviously focused on preparing for the children’s arrival and didn’t need the information they were trying to give her. That’s reading the room, observing peoples tone and pace, what going on with them, putting yourself in their shoes and adjusting your behavior.What will happen at the Social Skills Lab?In my work as a social skills coach with children we spend time in real life situations.
By taking them to Barnes and Noble or Starbucks they can learn to read the room live in real time. Not only can they interpret the social information they’re receiving but also their own reactions. They can pause and see if they’re getting distracted, what to do, what strategy they can use to deal with their own self-regulation issues or deal with things that get in their way.There is very little help out there for adults with ADHD. There are social skills coaches that work with adults, but a lot of them work with folks with autism. There are people that work with ADHD adults but they are more difficult to find.So my friend Dana Maher, (also an instructor at the ADHD Coach Academy) and I had this idea that we could adapt what we do with kids and offer something similar to adults at the conference.
People attending the conference will have this wonderful value added experience in a very non-judgmental and safe environment. We’re going to teach them things about unspoken rules and social expectations. Then Dana, myself and other trained social skills coaches are going to partner up with ADHD adults in groups and pairs and go to the bar or other spaces, show them how to observe social information and also work with them on their own feelings and reactions.
In that real time situation, they can see what happens when they have so much sensory information coming at them and what is that might make them feel overwhelmed and in that moment experientially learn to manage them.How can they continue to raise their awareness & improve their social skills?One of the ways we can continue to raise awareness is articles like this. It’s important for people to know that it’s okay that our executive functions can make social interactions difficult. Rather than always wondering what’s wrong, we can learn to adapt our behavior to make them better.What do you hope people take away from these sessions in Atlanta?It’s never too late! This is a special opportunity not only for people at the conference but for us to continue to convey that you’re my people. I adore everyone and I’m so happy to do this as well as connect with everyone that is participating. Our entire goal is to be in a situation where people can get help on the spot and access to this kind of coaching that isn’t always available.
They will be amazed at what a difference it can make in their life.
Ideas on how to improve social skills in children with ADHD as many ADHD children often lack the social skills necessary to get along with their peers and communicate with others. How to Improve Social Skills in Children with ADHDThe direct teaching of social rules or conventions which guide interactions and which most children learn without direct input.
These might include how to greet somebody, how to initiate a conversation, taking turns in a conversation, and maintaining appropriate eye contact.Modelling of social skills such as the above for the target child to observe; or shared viewing and discussing of a video-tape of two people talking or playing, including reference to any non-verbal messages which can be discerned.Providing specific and structured activities which are to be shared with one or two selected classmate(s). These might range from some jobs to be completed in the school during break or lunch time, games involving turn-taking (board games based on logic or spatial intelligence such as Chess rather than games based on inference-making like Cluedo, simple card games ), tasks or mini-projects to be completed on the computer ( e.g. Preparing large print labels for work to be displayed around the classroom or having the major responsibility for printing a class newsletter ).Identifying particular skills in the target child and inviting him/her to offer some help to another child who is less advanced (e.g. If your child is really good with the computer then maybe they can help another child who may find computers more difficult).Encouraging his or her participation in school clubs or organised/structured activities during the lunchtime.Direct advice about when, and for how long, the child may go on about a favourite topic, perhaps with the use of a signal by which to indicate when to stop ( or not to start! Giving notice of something fifteen minutes before the need to go out or change then a reminder every 5 minutes then every minute 2 minutes before the deadline - you must make sure to make it clear each time e.g. In 15 minutes we need to get ready to go to the shop, in 10 minutes we need to get ready to go to the shop, in 5 minutes we need to get ready to go to the shop, 2 minutes to get ready to go to the shop, 1 minute to get ready to go to the shop.
Keep things very clear and specific. Recognising the Viewpoints and Feelings of Other PeopleIn the classroom setting, instructions should be very precise with no opportunity to misunderstand what is expected. It may be necessary to follow up group instructions with individual instructions rather than assuming that the target child has understood what is needed or can learn 'incidentally' from watching what other children do.Direct teaching about social situations such as how to recognise when someone is joking or how to recognise how someone else is feeling. This latter might begin with a series of cartoon faces with clearly drawn expressions indicating anger, amusement, etc., with the target child helped to identify the various feelings and guess what caused them.Games or role play to focus upon the viewpoint of another person. This might include simply looking at pictures of children or adults interacting or working together or sharing some activity, and asking what is happening or what a given individual is doing, and what he might be thinking.Direct teaching of what to do ( or what not to do ) in certain situations, such as when the teacher is cross either with the individual child or with the whole group. Avoiding Social or Communications Breakdown. Helping the child to recognise his/her own symptoms of stress or distress, with a 'script' by which to try relaxation strategies; or having in place a system where it is acceptable for the child briefly to remove him/herself from the class as necessary.
The establishment of a 'buddy' system or a system where the child in question is encouraged to observe how other children behave in particular situations. Having selected peers specifically model social skills. Peer AwarenessA common theme in much of the on going research and studies about social skills in the child with ADHD is that the work intended to help the child needs to involve other children to at least some extent. If the focus is upon peer interaction, there is little logic in seeking to improve performance by using only one to one sessions.It would therefore be desirable for perhaps two or three non-ADHD peers to participate in the activities or video watching so that there could be a shared discussion and an actual possibility to practice some of the skills by the children in various make believe situations and not simply by target child and adult. This latter arrangement risks being somewhat abstract when evidence suggests the value of working on social skills within a social context.Also, if peers are involved in the training strategies and share the same rules, this may reduce stress upon the ADHD child and increase the rate at which (s)he internalises the targeted behaviours in real situations they can identify with.The idea that simply placing a child with ADHD in a mainstream class will not actually be the solution for that child to develop socially appropriate behaviours. There needs to be direct teaching or modelling of the behaviours, and it is likely that the number of such behaviours needs to be limited to one or two at a time if true learning and consolidation is to take place. Learning from peers can take three forms:Where the target child is placed within a group of peers whose positive social skills will be modelled constantly by others and where it has been made clear to the ADHD child what to observe and imitate.
So the need to explain carefully what you want your child to watch the other children doing needs to be fairly specific - e.g. Watch how this group take turns to throw the dice in the game.The training approach involves peers being shown how to prompt some particular response from the child with ADHD and then to offer praise when the child acts appropriately. So the group you are working with need to know exactly what you are wanting your child to learn - e.g. Turn taking so they can go round with the dice with the person with the dice passing this to the next child saying it is now your turn to throw the dice all round the group until it comes to your child's turn. Then the child before can hand your child the dice and say clear that it is now their turn to throw the dice and thank them for waiting nicely for everyone else to have their turn.
Then once the child has thrown the dice for them to then pass the dice to the next child saying it is now your turn to throw the dice when that child can then say thank you for giving me my turn. Things like this although may sound very strange help our children to learn the idea of turn taking by constant reinforcement as they learn much better by various forms being taken - watching - speaking the instruction and then interaction of praise for getting it right.The peer-initiated approach involves showing peers how to talk with the ADHD child and how to invite him or her to respond.